I Will Never Call Anyone Sister Again
Back in the day, we sometimes overheard our parents talking to other adults about a loved one who had (whisper WHISPER) can (exhale WHISPER) cer. Gasp! Mirrored gasp and repeated in a whisper cancer???? And when a young girl "got in trouble" she was sent to live with her "aunt" in another state or a Home for Unwed Mothers. Now, cancer awareness campaigns are everywhere and daycare centers can be found in some high schools for the teen's children. Another taboo was any reference to someone suffering from depression or anxiety, they were feeling "blue" and maybe had a "nervous breakdown", and when pressed, our parents would knowingly shake their head and say something like they just couldn't handle life.
Fortunately, today, we can talk openly and candidly about any subject at all. The media is filled with ads and promotional television that run the gamut, from cancer centers to bladder control issues, menopause to men's gentleman's parts, it's like no topic is off limits, nothing is too personal to be considered taboo. We regularly hear of public figures and celebrities telling all about their latest diagnosis and what they do to manage and cope.
Yup, we hear it all. Except one little problem. Family estrangement. That is one subject that seems to get little attention. In slightly higher pitched voices, people question, what, they don't SPEAK? (higher pitch) EVER ? Why, when and what happened are difficult to respond to. It's just not natural. But holy cow, once I spoke up, others started to reveal they too were estranged from a sibling or a parent. Estrangement is something that brings with it shame, embarrassment and sadness – not constantly – rather an aura often close to the surface. Yes, betrayal hurts.
Sure, there are books on the subject and ways to handle family rifts, but you might assume your particular rift is temporary, that one day, it will all be cleared up, fixed, it was just a misunderstanding. I mean, it's not an estrangement. We are family! Born from the same parents, raised in the same house. We aren't some passing friend we outgrew, we are family . Like that song by Sister Sledge, played at every wedding in America. We Are Family.
The thing about estrangement is that it's like a divorce, without the paperwork. There is the absence of someone who knew you well, that you belonged with that is just no longer a part of your life. You have photographs from happier times that reassure you that you aren't imagining this. Unlike divorce, there is not a filing of paperwork outlining the offense(s), no final goodbye, no "trial", not even a determination of what you said or did to incur the life of being shunned. Even the Amish make it clear that if you leave the Amish, you will be shunned by your family and community and the only life you ever knew. The Amish have been forewarned. But in most family estrangements, there is no such warning.Someone just stops speaking to you. You are dead to them.
Other relatives, shockingly, take sides. They do not know the full story of either side, they just team up with the shunner or the shunned. But more likely, they remain, as my one aunt put it, "at arm's length" not wanting to engage with either. So the relative that you are estranged from leads to further distancing by other relatives. This can make the estranged one feel isolated and abandoned. You are a social pariah.
What really confounds me is while watching a news report of a convicted murderer sentenced to life in prison, I can see his family and loved ones are still there for him. I attended a memorial service for a dear one whose grandson could not be there in church as he was incarcerated, but the family wanted to read a poem he wrote. I was moved by the beauty of this support and show of solidarity and love. I felt sorry for myself that I committed no crime and yet my relative is not in my life. I wondered what I did to deserve to be shut out of his family's life. Permanently.
Relatives often ask if I've heard from my shunner, and after nearly 15 years I'm not sure what part of estrangement they don't understand. It's painful to be asked about the one shunning me. My Christmas cards were sent back, Return To Sender written in his hand with a Sharpie. One relative asks, incredulously, and whiny really, "Why don't you just pick up the phone and CALL him?" punctuated with one of those hideous snickers, like Captain Obvious would spew. I forgive her, she really does not understand. (Plus, frankly, she's not too bright.) But it's actually harder to forgive snide declarations with eye rolls like "life's too SHORT " heh heh heh and that type of platitude-with-attitude. As if I chose being estranged.
It's hard to measure the depth of hurt estrangement has on extended family members. If my brother decided I was shun-worthy, that's one thing, but wait a minute, my kids too ? They and their cousins grew up estranged from each other. No birthdays. No holidays. No graduations. No everyday meet ups for pizza and laughs. No cards, no gifts, no atta-boy/atta-girl. Cousin nobody and cousin nothing.
Once, years after the door closed, a young man came up to me with a smile and recognition. It was my nephew. We spoke, and I asked him what his parents told him about our family, did they say we died ? He evaded that directly, admitted the first few years were very sad, but he stood behind his family view of us and carried his father's torch. I worry the torch he carries will burn his hand.
What's lost in family estrangements? The social support and sense of belonging we all need to lead our best life, and thatunconditional love every person deserves. Trust and bonds are broken forever , even if a reconciliation is forthcoming. It's replaced by friends, but we are never certain if they may one day decide to abandon us. There really is nothing like bonding with your cousins throughout childhood, with those kids that aren't our siblings, but still related, the ones you run around with at picnics and eat too many Christmas cookies with. And then, years later, watch at the picnic as your kids run around with their kids at reunions and you know you're connected.
It's hard to get around the (whisper)shame part of estrangement. One might inquire, while looking at the ground, asking, what'd you do ? How come your own brother won't talk to you? I mean, you must have done something bad . And the (however convoluted) deduction that if your own family doesn't love you, you must be unlovable .
We of the estranged variety end up taking up with whatever family members will have us, arranging a clandestine lunch with that one relative who will sneak out to meet with you, unbeknownst to the shunner-side-of-the-family, like you're a mistress meeting in the dank of night. But we shunned are the ones doing the reaching out. We are the social pariah.
Being estranged is not a life choice, it's a circumstance that unwittingly hurts far more people than intended, taking down children like collateral damage. The one that cut loose, the shunner, may believe they are taking the high road, the morally superior approach of problem solving and conflict resolution. In fact, the lesson taught is cowardly avoidance and judgmental, conditional love.
Perhaps it's time we opened the closet door on family estrangement, let the light and fresh air in! Let us put aside our shame and embarrassment and stand up to the family bullies that have put us in a virtual coffin. Let's not whisper we are estranged, let's make the statement with confidence. Why not say something like, "while it isn't my choice, we are estranged, what's new with you?" Or simply, "unfortunately, we are no longer in touch." I've found that if someone wants you to expound upon the subject – and they aren't your therapist – tell them you'd love to chat with them some time over lunch, but not right now. That will be the end of that.
Finally, let us not be defined by those who do not speak to us. We are not victims of some relative who dubbed us unloveable. Let's focus on the people who do speak to us, for they are our true friends and loved ones.
I put my energy, time and effort into those I care about instead of pining for relatives who choose to stay disconnected. I have stopped wondering what part of me was so defective that my own family abandoned me. If I am stuck in that horrible habit of constantly reflecting on the past and the theoretical whys and what-ifs, it only means that I am not present in this moment, and I can't get either back. So if it helps, go ahead and talk about your family estrangement, it could even be a conversation starter, because almost everyone either has a family estrangement or knows someone who feels like a stranger in their own family .
Source: https://blogblogblogbloglifegoeson.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/stranger-in-your-own-family-family-estrangement/
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